Today is the Fourth of July, and I’m declaring my independence—from bucket lists.
Yeah, I know. That makes me a little like an anarchist. But being like other people is overrated. Almost everyone has a bucket list and feels oh so smug when they check off an experience.
I hate smugness, especially when someone does something spectacular or cute to justify it. Check out this chick…swimming with sharks. And yes, that is a smug smile behind her scuba gear.
That’s also why Grumpy Cat drives me insane. She’s cute and smug—and has almost six million Facebook likes.
Well, I’m not having any of it. I don’t want to work that hard to feel smug. Besides, I’m a homo sapien, so I can never be Grumpy Cat. And swimming with sharks? Hell no.
Besides, it’s much easier to avoid taking action than taking action; and who isn’t for the easy way?
Full disclosure: I don’t have a bucket list. This fact is odd considering how much I love a good list (just ask my husband). I have some fuzzy ideas of things I’d like to do some day, like touch my toes without bending my knees and sleep through the night without worrying about a bunch of useless shit. But an actual bucket list? Nope.
So here are 28 things that are not on my bucket list, or wouldn’t be if I had one. I could have come up with a lot more but I had to take the dog out to pee, then get triple Americanos from Zanzibar’s Coffee Adventure…now those are a couple of bucket list items I could get behind.
- See the Chippendales (the male dancers, not the Rescue Rangers)
- Climb Mount Everest
- Ride a komodo dragon
- Ride a unicycle
- Cross the ocean in a sailboat
- Spend any time below deck in a sailboat (damn motion sickness)
- Sit on Santa’s lap
- Clap during songs
- Floss my teeth with barbed wire
- See how long I can hold my breath underwater while chained to a John Deere tractor
- See how long I can hold my breath while my husband “dutch ovens” me
- Be buried alive
- Be buried, period
- Redo high school
- Wear neon colors (I’ll be good as long as I don’t have to redo high school)
- Live without electricity for more than a few hours
- Eat anything while it’s still alive and most stuff that’s already dead
- Participate in an impromptu interview on the local news (because everyone who does sounds dumb)
- Drive somewhere I’ve never been without a map
- Run for political office
- Use a level for every picture I hang (my husband’s seizing right now)
- Spend time in prison (unless it’s with the ladies of Orange is the New Black)
- Spend time with someone who feels the need to fill every moment with talking
- Stop reading
- Stop rolling my hoodie strings or shirt hems
- Tightrope walk over the Grand Canyon or a box of puppies
- Ride the Silly Silo at Adventureland (and I don’t have to because they retired the vomit-inducing beast in 2013)
So, what about you? Do you have a bucket list (smug bastard)? If so, what’s one thing you would never put on it? And just because I’m nice, if you have one, tell me one thing that’s on it…but only if you haven’t done it yet!